Lady Gaga - Alejandro

So, Lady Gaga is a dictator's wife, king's daughter or dictatrix queen in her own right and the guy dies and she mourns with her grief pipe and widow's goggles on (as you do) and then she's a red vinyl nun who eats her rosary and a white vinyl saint with an inverted crotch-cross, while also fucking some ladydudes in the butt without taking her underwear off (as you do) and then she kinda goes dark ABBA and sprouts titrifles (or are they bayonipples?) and she has Tootie's haircut and then... she becomes part of the revolution maybe and gives a big guerrilla rousing speech while pantsless (as she does) and then she's a marionette and a dude has a golden gun penis and the film itself burns because that's what being Lady Gaga is all about.

Bring on the summer.

Beardblog #19

Mmmngggggggggggggggh. MMMMMMMMMMNHGH!



OhmyvariousgodsandmonsterswhatthehellIdiditagaintodaynoworknoworkatall.

Mmmmmmmngh!

At least Alex came by and we workd on our collaborative script, 'cause otherwise...

INT. GIO'S HEAD OFFICE - NIGHT

GIO (20s, hairy, anxious) lies on a psychiarist's couch.

DR. BEARD (46-days-old, doctor, beard) observes.

DR. BEARD
Why did you do no work today?

GIO
I don't know. It was raining.
I couldn't get out of bed...

DR. BEARD
Isn't it true it didn't start
raining until after you woke up?

Gio sits up, alarmed.

GIO
How do you know that?

DR. BEARD
I live on your face, Gio.

GIO
Oh.

Gio reclines again.

DR. BEARD
Well?

GIO
...I don't know, man. Pirates?

DR. BEARD
There are no pirates in L.A., Gio.

GIO
The French.

DR. BEARD
You'd think so, but no.

GIO
Uh...

DR. BEARD
Say it.

GIO
I am unspeakably lazy and
simultaneously afraid of what I would do
if I didn't have this work to not be doing?

DR. BEARD
And how does that make you feel?

Song Stuck:
Air - How Doe It Make You Feel
Lazlo Bane - No Superman
Metric - Help, I'm Alive


Beard Status:
Jungian.

Beardblog #18

When I wake up, The Jungle wakes with me. Which is to say: My Beard.



I managed to do 9 a.m. today. You're impressed, I know. Well, if you know me -if you got the jungle reference- you are probably impressed... And if you don't know me, trust me you would be. Because if you do know me, you know that I am much like a possum. Mostly nocturnal and with a constantly mean face. Also -by now a given- hairy.

If you know me, then you know that now I'd love nothing more than to go on an extended and exponentially thinning metaphor of the myriad more ways in which a possum and myself are alike. Topically, I could mention how I often play dead when dealing with danger, to degrees of varying success. The unlikely predator in this case being Productivity.

We call her Proddy

But since I've got to finish this here little post and have 4 e-mails and 5 messages to which I have for a while now been intending to reply and need to get up tomorrow similarly early to today and make sure that I write aaaaaall day with breaks only to eat and piss and poop (seriously, not even time for masturbation breaks tomorrow!) I should be heading off.

Beardny Spears kisses your cheeks and leaves you with some music as I go to sleep.

Songs Stuck:
Dangerous Muse - I Want It All
Bomb the Bass - Boy Girl
Ellie Goulding - Starry Eyed


Beard Status:
Tropical rainforest-y.

Beardblog #15

The force is strong with this Beard.



I was very productive today. Did my work on time, fed myself on time, got to school on time. I even had time to drop in Chuck 3x04: 'Chuck Versus Operation Awesome'! How important the everyday minutiae can become when you manage to get them right... 'Cause, if you don't, it might bum you out like but-- Eh. Whatchoogondo?

But if you get'em little notes right, you get a melody, man! A tune builds with every small victory over time and food and transportation. It builds and builds with each new minuscule accomplishment until you get a symphony entire. Then you can sing yourself to sleep, content in your huge success with little details.

If I seem high right now, don't worry. It's on the smell of success, chicken katsu curry and the ever-growing beauty of Beardnon Routh.

Song Stuck:
Marina and the Diamons - Mowgli's Road


Beard Status:
Powerful.

Beardblog #14

Mine eyes have seen the glory of the coming of the Beard:

It is twisting into brambles where the hairs of face do grow;

It hath loosed the fateful itching of Its terrible rough mat:

Its moustache marching on!



Welcome. Welcome back, 7 faithful readers! We are back from our 3-day weekend break. What did y'all think of the story? Silly enough or not nearly? Did you have a good time? Brigitte Beardot and I had a blast! Just the right balance of dragging ourselves from couch to dinner table to bed and round again; with a dash of movie-watching and a very special night out. Ah. I feel like a boy again! A boy of 80 years old.

Let's catch up, shall we? With numbers!

Over The 3-day Weekend:

meals cooked for me = 7
hours spent in front of TV > 8
hours spent asleep ≈ 48
invitations to go to gay bar in L.A.
(received over past 5 months) = 1
$ spent to get to Downtown Los Angeles = 50
level of desperation at time = 8/10
# of drinks on night out = 4
# of cigarettes smoked = 3
# of hot trannies met = 2
# of hours danced = 1
glasses of O.J. I spilt in new friend's car = 1 1/2
nice people I tried too hard to charm = 4 (success rate 2/4)

Probably.

Movies Watched:
Los abrazos rotos - 7.

Song Stuck:
(Χέη, Μπη! Δις ιζ φορ γιού.)
The Gaither Team - Battle Hymn of the Republic


Beard Status:
Glory, Glory, Hallelujah!
Moustache is marching oooooooooooooooooooooooooon.

Me Want Food (Beardblog #9)

Problem's Beardly Cooper continues to be highly opinionated.



It wants cut and dry stuff that won't slather all over it. Like lettuce leaves or plain well-done stake or some shit. But I'm a saucy guy! I wanna shove my face in a footlong meatball sub with fresh marinara, or slurp down a loaded baked potato soup. Mmmm! Souououp.

The thing is, usually, I... forget to eat? Being on my own, I feel it a waste to cook just for myself. Then again, going to eat out on one's own is rather more depressing. So, I end up not eating. See? It is imperative that I make some friends just so I have an incentive to eat!

Wait. What happened? Oh, right. Yeah so, The Beard and I were having a fight (it prefers "disagreement") about what I should have for dinner. Luckily I'd been to Ralphs earlier today and convinced Beardnon Walsh that I should eat something at home.

Enter a lovely chunky organic tomato soup with some retarded Gorgonzola in it. And Hairy McLairy's all like "I told you, you bastard - no good can come of soup! Now wipe me before I end up stinking like mouldy French farts for the rest of the night ".

Incidentally, The Beard tends to get racist when angry.

Luckily, we did come to an agreement in making up for the Great Soup Disappointment of 2010 by scarfin' down a whole mess 'o' mini-muffins. Blueberry, chocolate and banana-nut crumbles are probably still hiding in the bristles on my chin. But Beard and I don't care.

Pastries. Is there anything they can not make better? Elvis Beardsley approves.

Songs Stuck:
Soko - I'll Kill Her
Owl City - Fireflies
Reefer Madness - The Brownie Song


Beard Status:
Strong-willed, argumentative, smelling of cheese.

Beardblog #8

I run my hands over it. I try to get to know it. It rustles in response: "Shave me. Shaaaaave me".



But I resist.

And I do it for you. I do it all for you.

Actually, that's a total lie. 'S aaaaaall about me.

Things I Did Today:
Ate mole (yumow)
Called Steve (no answer)
Watched Dollhouse (Ffffffuck)
Wrote in the park (19 new pages)

Things I Did Not Do Today:
Trust google maps
Reply to six e-mails
Anything for you

Songs Stuck:
Ellie Goulding & Erik Hassle - Be Mine
Jenny Owens Young - Hot In Herre
Joan Armatrading - Me, Myself, I

On that note, let's do some light housekeeping:

It has come to my attention that I have been messing up on this here my Beardblog. Apart from misspelling the subject line (which is also the title!) a couple of times, I have also forgotten to close entries with the requisite Beard Status. Therefore I would like to make up for that messing up of mine, if for no one else, for -all together now- me!

Beard Stati:
#6 - hardening, using the force for evil.
#5 - cactus-like but not (yet) green.
#4 - tough exterior, brooding inside.

The latter of which, in retrospect, comes in surprisingly great contrast with status #3... It just goes to show you never should attempt to fathom the everchanging nature of Teh Beard.

Beardblog Retrospective Theater Presents:
Marina and the Diamonds - Hollywood (Infected Your Brain)

Beard Status: vocal but not persuasive, unpredictable.

Beardblog #7

It's now stalactite free but, man, is it feisty. It's like every single hair on my face is standing on end and someone's sprinkled chili powder at the tips of 'em.



I don't have much time. I gotta go to the park and write! Which is nice.

Yesterday was the first night of my new class. Which was also nice. But...

I wanted to waltz in and have my classmates think:

"Wow. Who is that suave man with the excellent beard growth? He smells like Carolina Herrera 212 and smoke. He wears a t-shirt with a monkey on it but a button down shirt over that... I would like to know this suave man!"

Instead what they probably thought was:

"Wow. Who's the sweaty late douche? He stinks of cologne and cancer. He'd better not sit by me."

After three hours, I came back home opened up this entry, to review the experience in detail, and promptly fell asleep on the computer. Again. In conclusion: don't trust google maps, details to come later.

Things To Do Today:
Write (in the park)
Reply (6 e-mails)
Call (Steve)
See (a movie)
Bring (details)

Things To Not Do Today:
Trust (google maps)

Songs Stuck:
Marina and The Diamonds - The Outsider
Teddy Thompson - I Should Get Up

(Cauliflowerhead, FTW!)

Beard status:
Stalactite free, but still muy caliente.

Up in the Air (Beardblog #5)

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Beardblog #4

It's still on edge and tough as nails but, deeper down, it's starting to feel complacent...



I had too much trouble choosing a photograph for this post. Should I have gone with the one above? What would better showcase my burgeoning beardness? In its fierceness does it come off as genuinely self-obsessed or post-ironically self-aware? Big questions for such a small blog but nonetheless valid. How is one to choose, really choose, between fierce and funny?



By not choosing, says I!

Having burned through this much space with these pictures I'll just hit the high notes of today and bid you a good night:

• Met up with Alex the New Yorker,
• Picked up Terrell the Texan and his brother from the airport,
• Attended first lecture back (wooo!),
• Was disappointed by professional program being UCLA's red-headed stepchild,
• Scratched beard at regular intervals.

All in all, it was a good day.

To reiterate:

Fierce.

Funny.

Holiday Photos Uploaded to iPhone:
37

Number of Embarrassing Photos:
7

Projected Script Pages
(for tomorrow):
>20

Movies Watched:
Truly Madly Deeply- 7*

Songs Stuck:
Savage Garden - Truly Madly Deeply
Extreme - More Than Words
Sia - You've Changed

Beardblog #3

Though it's been tended to with TIGL S-Factor Smoothing Lusterizer, right now, my beard is sad.



My face pubes are in a bad mood for a multitude of reasons... Initially it was the Defrizzer & Tamer's fault. Though the balm seemed to soften my whiskers it also created a film of product that's made Beardy feel like a seagull in an oil spill.

Similarly, the prickliness only seemed to have been neutralized by the power of salve. As it turns out, the beard remains placated only as long as it's not touched. The slightest brush of the finger makes it flair up again.

At this stage of the game (23 days), shouldn't Beardy have made some sort of peace with itself? Am I being too demanding? Should I allow it an entire month to adjust?

And finally, Beardy was quite saddened by the fact that when first trying to write up this post I fell asleep. I did manage to shuffle off the laptop to the side table (actually a chair) as my eyes were drooping shut. However, another pair of comrades, weren't so lucky.



Czar Beardy mourns his subjects. I'm going back to sleep.

Sleep Casualties:
Pair of glasses
Beardy's mood

After-Sleep Discoveries:
Seemed is fun to type and say out loud

Movies Pending:
Los abarozs rotos -

Song Stuck:
Simon and Garfunkel - The Sounds of Silence


Beard Origin Point:
Dec 13, 2009.

Beard Status:
Pretend-soft to the outside world. Really, increasingly hardened and depressed.

Beardblog #2

It's been refreshed with Head & Shoulders 2-in-1 shampoo and conditioner! Still prickly, still gnarly.



This was sooo hard to put together. Every second closer to finishing, has been one closer to gross bliss. While the beard was tended to with chemical cleansers and beautifiers this morning, it is still being a vicious little bastard. Attacking my cheeks and lips area (hahahaha!), making it feel like there's a burning bush on my face.

Being, as I am, bombed to an unprecedented degree, all I've wanted to do during the past whatever centuries I have been working on this post, is simply sock it to it; turn off the light, prop my legs up on pillows, drop my head back and let myself get closer to Jesus.

...

Excuse me, I had go throw up and jerk off.

Now, come to Jesus.

Movie Rankings
(for past and future reference):
6. Eminently watchable.
7. Perfect for what it is.
8. Exceeds expectations.
9. Perfect.
10. Perfect and more.

5. Disappointing.
4. Subpar.
3. So bad it's good.
2. No.
1. NO. No.

Song Stuck:
Marina and the Diamonds - Hollywood (Infected Your Brain)

Beard Status:
Coarse, scraggly, well washed and conditioned.

Beardblog #1

It's itchy and scratchy and I intend on keepin' it 'til I finish the first draft of mah screenplay.



Inspired in equal parts by Stavroula Papadaki's (now defunct?) The How Do I Look Today Project and intense hairiness, I have decided to use my facial hair as a motivational writing tool and excuse to do a quick mindless post each day.

The goal's to keep open the channels of communication, write something every day, make it brief and snappy... and I'm already going on too long!

Movies Watched:
Cloudy With A Chance of Meatballs - 8
Sherlock Holmes - 6

Songs Stuck:
The Beatles - Yellow Submarine
The White Stripes - My Doorbell

Beard Status:
Itchy, scratchy, present until end of screenplay.