Friday, January 15, 2010

Bedtime Story (Beardblog #13)

Even the most resilient beards need a three day weekend, sometimes. You know, to take care of'emselves.

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We leave you with a short story stemming from a former exercise they gave us on the course:

They showed us a dollar bill. At the top of the note, someone had written with red marker: "Jay Andrea". At the bottom was written a date: 06/17/09.

How did that come to be?

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LED

Jay Harding lived a sheltered life. Dad was always away on archaeological expeditions. Back at home, Mum always seemed too preoccupied with on-line shopping to spare any of her time on little Jay. Every time his father would return, Jay witnessed his mother booting back up. As soon as Dad's finger touched the button of the doorbell, Mum's green eyes flashed like LED lights, coming to life. Jay witnessed his mother with one hope: That someone would look at him in that same way.

The year of Mum's death, Dad was desperate. Jay kept hoping he could get a word out of him or an expression. But Dad's face was a stony as the marbles that he studied and, though Jay noticed that Dad's eyes were red every morning, he had never seen nor heard him cry, or speak a word.

Thus Jay was not surprised when, without any discussion, he found himself following his father when he decided to go back to work. In a way Jay was excited – as excited as a recently orphaned 17-year-old could respectfully be. The loss of his mother was not muted, but joining his father was such a novel experience for him that it blared loudly over the fact of her death.

The summer of 2008 was the happiest time of Jay's life. Against all odds, the minuscule coastal village at which he had found himself, worked wonders. Even Dad started to speak again and -what's more- to Jay: “Everything is so simple here” he'd say “what if we stayed here forever?”

Dad may've been slightly swayed by Petra, the swarthy Corsican landlady. She fed, coddled and watered them, enamored with “Indian Jones” as she called Dad. But for Jay it was someone else.

Andrea. She worked at the ferries that took you to the Italian mainland. Her hair was supposed be black but day upon day under the sun had turned her blonde (that's what she said). Her skin was like Mum's favorite suede purse. She smelled like the beach and her eyes were like LED lights.

Jay couldn't understand why she found him interesting. Out of all the boys in her village: the strapping young men, with broad shoulders and big backs, with the jutting jaws and sinful smiles, why him? But when he looked up from his keyboard, his wispy brown bangs sticking to his glasses in the heat (Why, oh why, must the only Internet cafe in the village not have air conditioning?) he saw her stuck to the window, staring at him, with those eyes. And the eyes were enough.

She would not shut up. She would never leave a moment's silence! Every single second of their time together, Andrea would blather on and on about something or other. The people she encountered on her boats, the pigheaded boys who kept coming on to her, the rude village women calling her a tramp so unjustifiably – all were the subject of her long and blathering ire.

The more she would speak, the more Jay would forget about himself and Mum. The more she would speak the more Jay loved it. And he loved her. Ever since he met her on 06/17/08.

When it came time to go (“I wish we could stay here forever” Dad said) it was not easy. Andrea, for all the talking in her broken, adorable English did not know how to read or write a word. But Jay's love was so strong that he would not let something so silly stand in the way. He would learn Italian! And she could have Enzo the cafe guy read her Jay's e-mails until then! It would be fine!

The plan was for them to save money. A dollar a day for an entire year, from the day they met in June to the next summer. That would amount to an entire transatlantic ticket! And then, beloved Andrea could finally come see young Jay in the U.S.A. It would be wonderful.

Every day, Jay wrote on a one dollar bill: Jay [heart] Andrea. He dated it, he let the red ink dry and then he'd scan it. As the scanner flashed around the edges, taking in Jay's expression of devotion, his father's returned gruffness wasn't on his mind. Jay would think of all the things he wanted to say to Andrea. Things he had not had the chance to share during her summer of talking.

Jay would write, he would spellcheck, he would attach his scan and he would send Andrea all his most lovely and beautiful thoughts, about her, about the world and about their cherished reunion.

And it would have been beautiful and wonderful and fine if not for the fact that, every day Andrea went to the cafe for Jay's letter she would spend her time there talking to Enzo. Broad-shouldered, jutting-jawed cafe guy Enzo, with the sinful smile.

She would talk to Enzo while she waited for her turn and then she would listen to him reading her Jay's letters and then she would talk to him again, to tell him what to write to Jay. Until one day their talking left the cafe, and went on into the street, and then a bar, and then a beach, and then it stopped, because their lips and tongues were otherwise busy.

When Jay sent out the dollar bill marked “Jay [heart] Andrea – 06/17/09” he did not expect the response he got. He thought he and his love would celebrate a year having gone by, the money having been gathered. He thought they would make plans. It was nothing of that sort:

“Jay we are very excused but Andrea is not anymore your girl.

Enzo”

Jay had never felt so angry in his entire sheltered life. He knew sadness well and loneliness - Mum's death had made sure of that. But this wrath that was taking him over was unprecedented. Before he had realised what he was doing, Jay was throwing his monitor out of the window of his room! His CPU was soon to follow, when he heard a shout.

Looking out the window, Jay saw his father. Next to him was the crashed screen, on his face a look of perplexed fear. But looking up at his son -Jay wearing an expression Dad had never seen before- suddenly Dad could understand him. “Whoa, Champ” he said -his father never called Jay that- “girl trouble?”. It was the first time Dad had spoken in the year they had been back...

Years later, a grown up and a man, Jay would think of Andrea and laugh at himself. He would laugh at the silliness of how upset he got over a girl who'd barely let him speak and he would wish he'd have a chance to see her again. Not so that he could shout at her or even so he could see that pair of sparkling sapphire LED eyes again. He'd just wish he could thank her.

For Jay Harding, 06/17/09 was a day that started with him getting his heart broken to pieces by a blabbermouth girl. But in the span of a few slight seconds the meaning of the day had changed entirely. Because it was this very same girl, Andrea, that managed to lead Jay back to his dad.

--

Song Stuck:
Lulu - To Sir, With Love


Beard Status:
Sleepy.

Bearbdlog will return on Tuesday 01/16/2010. Have a great weekend and enjoy Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.

Beardblog #12

Some things are so surreal even an anthropomorphized beard can't stomach them.

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For instance, California "politeness". The way that Los Angelenos just get up in your face about the most random things. At Trader Joe's, the bagger will share his life story and ask for yours. An IHOP waitress will check on you seventeen times, don't you test her on that. And she'll have a gem like "Are you enjoying this fine milkshake, today?" or "How's that juicy burger treating ya?"

Don't get me started on bus stop people!

Actually, you know, what? No. No! I will get started...

Dear Lady Who Sat Next To Me On The 12 Tonight,

First of all, hi. Love the look. The bag with pen stains suggests a creative personality. The hair which looks like a crooked wig though one can see the white roots: Obviously a fantastic two for one deal at the dollar store. And that one single mega-tooth in the front? Brilliant.

I don't have any objections to your deal as a whole. Heck, even our coexistence on the same mode of public transport is no pimple on my ass. But when you chose to sit by me, I gotta ask, did I look friendly? Seeing me there, immersed in reading, how was it that you thought "HEY! LET'S ME STRIKE UP A CONVERSATION WITH THIS HERE HAIRY YOUNGSTER!"

Because, you see, Lady Who Sat Next To Me On The 12 Tonight, that seemed to be your minimum volume. Let's say I didn't mind hearing that you write about vampires at UCLA who drink coffee. Or that I found the recounting of your feature film Big Freeze (where global warming attacks Santa Monica) just riveting. Did I have to hear these fascinating tales WITH YOU DIALED UP TO ELEVEN?!

I realize I may come across as snobby. You obviously didn't think so, since you continued talking to me. But really, for next time, I don't think I ask too much. I didn't make a big deal about having your coffee breath an inch away from my face. Beardnan Fraser didn't raise a fuss, when every drop of spittle that escaped you came closer and closer to his shiny self.

We even sat with you until our stop actually came. No pretending we had to get off earlier! So, I say this, Lady Who Sat Next To Me On The 12 Tonight, in case our paths do cross again. Please take you scary beady eyes and your wet flapping mouth and BACK THE FUCK OFF.

Or, at the very least, dial the crazy down to, like, a five.

All our love,

Beardy & Me.

Songs Stuck:
The Killers - Spaceman
Snow Patrol - Run (Jackife Lee Remix)
Marina and the Diamonds - Hollywood (Acoustic)


Beard Status:
Traumatized.

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Beardblog #11

I may have had a tad too much to drink.

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Beardy concurs.

Things I Slathered In My Beard Today

Milk, Cheerio crumbs and fresh banana. Vanilla yogurt, a green apple. Guacamole, salsa, ranch dressing, buffalo wings, fries in three varieties:
Plain
Garlic herb
Sweet potato

+Three mini burgers

Also, a Guinness and a pitcher of Blue Moon . Oh, yeah we went to a bar.

People I Spoke To At The Bar Today

Erin "Rex" the Interrupting Nacho Girl (very nice)
Ashley from Ohio (who introduced me to Blue Moon)
Tina, Marie and Sean (the kinda sober friends)
Smoking Girl (the nameless smoking girl)
Hot Hiccuping Guy (friend of smoking girl)
Homeless Guy #1 (treated to a cigarette)
Homeless Guy #2 (treated to a cigarette)

Incidentally, Homeless Guy #2 arrived in a wheelchair. About 15 minutes later he was out of it. At the time I had some very insightful thoughts about the fact. Right now, I just wanna get to sleep. Sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep.

Beard Status:
Agreeable, still kinda buzzed.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Beardblog #10

So. Much. Hair.

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Your Guide to Procrastination Tuesday

11:27 - Open your eyes

11:28 - Close 'em again

13:29 - Awake

14:47 - Arise

15:00 - Order Thai

15:45 - Eat Thai

16:13 - Burp

16:15 - Finish burp

16:36 - Have yogurt

17:00 - Jerk off

17:30 - Jerk again

17:31 - Have shower

17:50 - Eat more Thai

18:00 - Catch up on TV, par example:
  • Archer 101
  • House 611
  • Scrubs 907
  • Better Off Ted 208-209
  • Chuck 301-3
20:00 - IDOL!

22:00 - Start writing

23:15 - Intermission in the 3d Dimension

23:18 - Intermission in the 3d Dimension

23:21 - Intermission in the 3d Dimension

23:45 - Discover It's All Relative

Correction:

23:45 - Discover GREATEST TRAIN WRECK EVER

01:26 - Manage to pull together passable blog ent--

Wait a tick? That TV stuff there doesn't add up... In two hours there's no time t-- OH MY GOD. THERE@S STILL SHIT I GOTSTA WATCH, Y#ALL! Gotta go. You know what I'll be doing.

No. Not jerking off.



Beard Status:
Bountiful.

Monday, January 11, 2010

Me Want Food (Beardblog #9)

Problem's Beardly Cooper continues to be highly opinionated.

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It wants cut and dry stuff that won't slather all over it. Like lettuce leaves or plain well-done stake or some shit. But I'm a saucy guy! I wanna shove my face in a footlong meatball sub with fresh marinara, or slurp down a loaded baked potato soup. Mmmm! Souououp.

The thing is, usually, I... forget to eat? Being on my own, I feel it a waste to cook just for myself. Then again, going to eat out on one's own is rather more depressing. So, I end up not eating. See? It is imperative that I make some friends just so I have an incentive to eat!

Wait. What happened? Oh, right. Yeah so, The Beard and I were having a fight (it prefers "disagreement") about what I should have for dinner. Luckily I'd been to Ralphs earlier today and convinced Beardnon Walsh that I should eat something at home.

Enter a lovely chunky organic tomato soup with some retarded Gorgonzola in it. And Hairy McLairy's all like "I told you, you bastard - no good can come of soup! Now wipe me before I end up stinking like mouldy French farts for the rest of the night ".

Incidentally, The Beard tends to get racist when angry.

Luckily, we did come to an agreement in making up for the Great Soup Disappointment of 2010 by scarfin' down a whole mess 'o' mini-muffins. Blueberry, chocolate and banana-nut crumbles are probably still hiding in the bristles on my chin. But Beard and I don't care.

Pastries. Is there anything they can not make better? Elvis Beardsley approves.

Songs Stuck:
Soko - I'll Kill Her
Owl City - Fireflies
Reefer Madness - The Brownie Song


Beard Status:
Strong-willed, argumentative, smelling of cheese.

Sunday, January 10, 2010

The Agony and The Ecstasy

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In a single life both those extremes and in those extremes one life. It's a matter of perspective, really. What was it that that last choice you made left with you? A consequence can be good or bad in equal measure. Just matters how far away you get from it before you look back. And when you look, what is it that you see?

Το ότι, γράφοντας τα παραπάνω, τα διαβάζω δυνατά με Βρετανική προφορά το πιάσατε; Γιατί έτσι είναι που αποκτούν την επιθυμητή βαρύτητα. Άντε κάντε το ίδιο, σας προσκαλώ... Αν δεν μπορείτε να μιμηθείτε το αξάν φωνάξτε μια φίλη, ένα γείτονα έστω, να βοηθήσει. Ό,τι χρειαστεί για να τα ακούσετε αυτά, δυνατά, Βρετανικά να βαρύνουν, σα θέλουν.

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Did you let yourself be trapped? Did you allow you to be small and weak, inconsequential? How great do you chose to make yourself? How visible. That's where the razor lies. Because good and bad do not exist. Not really. Both sides of it, equally sleek silver and shining; the one thing that does matter is the edge. The edge and how you fall on it.

Τα καταφέρατε; Συγχαρητήρια! Δεν είναι πολύ γουστόζικο; Όχι;! Μα κάνετε τη σωστή προφορά; Πρέπει να 'ναι πολύ πος. Σα Λονδρέζου των σίξτηζ. Δοκιμάστε ξανά. Σκεφτείτε ότι κάθε λέξη έχει όσο το δυνατό πιο ελάχιστη έκφραση συναισθήματος στον τονισμό της. Κάθε φράση ξεφεύγει, ενώ προσπαθείτε με όλη σας την ύπαρξη να μείνετε βουβοί.

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Because you will fall. We all fall. There are those moments when something happens and it is not in our control. As if a higher power did exist, pulling some strings, yet in its cruelty disproving its existence. Because something above us would not be cruel. We are cruel. We, baser humans. And it is when we manage to pull ourselves up that we ascend, bleeding.

Τα πράματα είναι πάντα διπλά. Το μονό δε βγάζει νόημα. Ζευγάρι τα γυαλιά και τα παπούτσια. Δύο μπατζάκια, δυο μανίκια. Δύο ημισφαίρια μες σ' ένα κεφάλι δουλεύουν, παλεύουν και ζηλεύουν το 'να τ' άλλο. Κι όποιος μου 'πει μια η καρδιά να πάρει δυο αρχίδια. Γιατί με μία κοιλότητα δεν πας πουθενά! Έτσι κι εμείς μπορούμε και κοβόμαστε στα δυο...

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Fix it up. Put a plaster on the wound and cover it. Whence the pain's coming do not look. That's what one's told. Constantly, compulsively we avert our gaze. That's what we're taught. We don't see what we don't want to. We look past it, through it, by it. Choose the word and stick it in there. You do do it. We all do do it. We look away from ourselves.

"Μαλάκα, κοίτα μαλλί η γκόμενα..." "Πω, πω κωλάααααρα!" "Καλά, αυτός μου φαίνεται τρελή παρτόλα." "Τι γκομενάκι ήταν αυτό;" "Εσύ δηλαδή του βλέπεις καλά αυτούς τους δύο; Γάμησε τα έιναι η σχέση τους!" "Τίποτα, την παίζει σε μια ρημαδοσχολή - μετά Μπαμπάκας Α.Ε." "Κοίτα την ξεφωνημένη..." "Πώς την είδες, ρε φίλε;"

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But what if you couldn't look away? What if, when you did try to do so, you were met with something akin to a Medusa's stare? That's what the big things are, really, and that's how they leave us. Like a statue in front of a mirror. Then, when you've turned to stone, you can finally change. A thoroughly unpleasant experience were it not for mirthful irony.

Οι ίδιοι άνθρωποι που παίρνουν τόση χαρά από το να κοιτάζουν εξονυχιστικά τους άλλους είμαστε εμείς, οι κατίνες, που αγνοούν πιο τρανταχτά τα δικά τους περιττώματα. Καλό το οφθαλμόλουτρο Γιωργάκη και το κουτσομπολιό αλλά κάνε και λίγο κράτη. Όχι γι' αυτούς -να μου, γι' αυτούς- αλλά για 'σενα. Κοίτα και σ' ένα με το ίδιο, κακό, μάτι.

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Look straight at the wound. It is by no means easy. But pretending it is harder than it actually is... It's like looking away from something beautiful because you deem it too much so. Something one deems too hard to do will not be done. It does not take much effort to lift one's eyes. Even less of it if what you need is just to drop them down. If the blow is low.

Μαθαίνω πολλά εδώ αλλά γιατί να μην είμαι εκείιιιιιι; Χαίρομαι που περνούν καλά χωρίς εμένα αλλά θέλω κι εγώωωωω! Εδώ ετοιμάζω ένα Μέλλον (σοβαρά) αλλά θέλω και το παρελθόν μου σε βαλίτσα, θέλω το παρόν να μην είναι τίγκα μοναξιά. Δυο κομμάτια. Ο ένας ο ανώτερος μου εαυτός κι άλλος σκατά κι απόσκατα. Κι οι δυο μαζί είναι... καλά.

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Look. Look at yourself. Look deep, look hard, look carefully. Leave no nook or cranny unexamined. Learn the precise hue each bruise has taken. Etch the broken contours of yourself into memory. Every spot, every scar and wrinkle. Look well into the past. Then close your eyes, and let it go. Open. Look up. And then maybe you'll be free to see the future.

Αυτά είναι τα νέα της πρώτης εβδομάδος! Η αλλαγή είναι πλήρης και μηδενική, ταυτόχρονα. Είμαι πιο σίγουρος από ποτέ και πιο κλαψομούνης, επίσης. Αλλά έχω δει μπόλικες καλές ταινίες, έχω γράψει σελίδες αρκετές. Κι η αγωνία του πως θα μπορέσω να τα καταφέρω παίρνει τον πούλο, απ' την έκσταση του ότι τελείωσα την πρώτη μου γραφή.

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--

Thanks for sticking around for tonight's ramble. The Beardblog will be back Monday, while a new exciting feature will be arriving to Kinda Great Guy very shortly.

For the time being, go see A Single Man and -if you survive it- I'll catch you back here soon.

Friday, January 8, 2010

Beardblog #8

I run my hands over it. I try to get to know it. It rustles in response: "Shave me. Shaaaaave me".

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But I resist.

And I do it for you. I do it all for you.

Actually, that's a total lie. 'S aaaaaall about me.

Things I Did Today:
Ate mole (yumow)
Called Steve (no answer)
Watched Dollhouse (Ffffffuck)
Wrote in the park (19 new pages)

Things I Did Not Do Today:
Trust google maps
Reply to six e-mails
Anything for you

Songs Stuck:
Ellie Goulding & Erik Hassle - Be Mine
Jenny Owens Young - Hot In Herre
Joan Armatrading - Me, Myself, I

On that note, let's do some light housekeeping:

It has come to my attention that I have been messing up on this here my Beardblog. Apart from misspelling the subject line (which is also the title!) a couple of times, I have also forgotten to close entries with the requisite Beard Status. Therefore I would like to make up for that messing up of mine, if for no one else, for -all together now- me!

Beard Stati:
#6 - hardening, using the force for evil.
#5 - cactus-like but not (yet) green.
#4 - tough exterior, brooding inside.

The latter of which, in retrospect, comes in surprisingly great contrast with status #3... It just goes to show you never should attempt to fathom the everchanging nature of Teh Beard.


Beardblog Retrospective Theater Presents:
Marina and the Diamonds - Hollywood (Infected Your Brain)

Beard Status: vocal but not persuasive, unpredictable.