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I'm negative.

Negative?

I'm a negative person. I'm the one who's gonna tell you "Don't do that", "Don't take that risk", "Are you a moron?!" I'll tell you what not to do and I'll be right and you won't listen to me and you'll make the mistake and then -the fifth time- you might learn and won't make the same mistake again and move on to the next one...

Τρία μπουκάλια κρασί, μη μου το κρατήσετε - θα μου το κρατήσετε; Κι εκπληκτικό φαγητό! Και ο ειρμός μου χαμένος. Τι έλεγα; Τι θέλω να πω; Πω πω, το Πράηβετ Πράκτις είναι τρελή μούφα - θα μπορέσω να γράψω κάποτε έστω για κάτι τέτοιο; Είναι άγρια τα πράγματα εδώ. Με νύχια και με δόντια όλοι πολεμούν να πιάσουν το "μπιγκ μπρέηκ", να μπουν.

The only reason I can tell you this stuff, the only reason I am right, is because I'm wrong. I'm wrong about every choice I make for myself, every day, every second. What I eat, the clothes I wear, how I spend my money - all wrong choices. Getting the right combo down is a happy coincidence but merely that. When things go right, it means that a stroke of electrons has sparked serendipitously. There's nothing more.

Nothing more?

Το μόνο που με κρατάει είναι ένα αίσθημα σιγουριάς. Δεν είναι ότι πιστεύω ότι θα τα καταφέρω, δεν είναι ότι νομίζω ότι θα γίνει. Αη νόου, γιου γκάηζ! Δε γίνεται να μην.

It's like reality contestants. No, go with me, here... A good reality show's most absurd and ridiculous the more of an accurate study it is of the human condition. You've seen the Next Top Model shows, right? The contestants, they're all convinced that they deserve the prize. Each believes that she wants it more than the rest. She believes that is what gets you the win - wanting it. But it's not. What gets the win is chance.

Τι παραλήρημα κι αυτό... Νιώθω σα να γράφω για τον εαυτό μου και μόνο αλλά ταυτόχρονα υπάρχει κάτι που θέλω να πω. Ο Κόλιε Στρονγκ, είναι γκομενάκι; Έχω το φινάλε του Πρότζεκτ Ράνουεη στο πλάι - δε θα σας πω ποιος κερδίζει, μην ανησυχείτε. Αλλά το ερώτημα είναι σημαντικό.

Am I ignoring hard work? Noooooo. Of course not. But you guys, -seriously, you guys- it is not the most important thing. You can work as hard as you possibly can, you can work harder than anyone else. But if you don't get that one chance, if The Break doesn't happen? Holmes, you fucked. Ain't no Watson gonna save you.

So, then, what do you do?

Τι κάνεις όταν δε σε θέλουν για το Θα Πεις Και Ένα Τραγούδι: Κάουν'τρυ Εντίσιον; Άσχετο; Φαινομενικά.

The other day we went tried to get in the background audience for Singing Bee, with a friend. (He's becoming a friend, I'm real happy about that). They took him, they didn't take me, so...

Αφότου ξεπέρασα τη βαριά κατάθλιψη που δε με πήρανε, πήγα σινεμά.

I watched Precious.

Precious: Based on the Novel Push by Sapphire

It was exceptional! Anything that in another film would make you think "Yeah, right. Pull the other one" Precious makes you buy. The performances are breathtaking.

Literally, you'll find yourself not breathing waiting for that one move, or that one line to come. At other times, you're gonna be left breathless like what's happening has taken form and kicked you in the gut.

Lee Daniels even gets a good performance out of Mariah Carey. Mariah Freakin' Carey, you guys. Who, if she shut up about the uglifying they did on her, would have an even more fascinating and commendable performance on her hands.

The kudos go to Daniels, though. It's shocking how easy it is to watch Precious. It shouldn't be. But the electrons sparked and each choice -in casting, in acting, in direction- each line couldn't be different, couldn't be better.

Really?

Really.

Δεν πρόκειται να γίνω τέτοιος ωτέρ, ούτε αστέρας. Αλλά έχω την ευκαιρία να γίνω ένας καλός σεναριογράφος. Είναι εδώ, συμβαίνει. Οπότε δεν είναι θέμα θέλησης, ή προσπάθειας. Αυτά είναι κομμάτια άλλης ιστορίας. Αυτή η ιστορία, η εδώ, είναι μόνο θέμα χρόνου.

Fuck sentimentality, OK? That's what Precious does so well. Unlike many others, it's a film that doesn't try to make you cry for its heroine. In fact, it challenges you not to. "Come on, motherfucker - don't be touched. Dare to not be touched". So, fuck sentimentality and just look at it pragmatically: The longest journey does start with a single step. And then there's a billion others that you need to take, as much as that first one.

"The longest journey starts with a single step", I said that. Also, the Chinese.

Walking away from the cinema I came across Out of the Closet and right at its window was a big, bright, brilliant neon sign: FREE HIV TESTING. I was gonna get food and go for a second movie. I hadn't had anything but a bowl of cereal since the morning - that happens a lot when I'm immersed in writing- and Fantastic Mr. Fox was out. But I went.

"Ιμέρσντ ιν ράητινκγ" τι λέω ο άνθρωπος; Φτάνουμε όμως. Φτάνουμε.

If you've had an HIV test, you know the mouth-drying, hand-freezing nervousness that is the wait. If you've been careful, a single broken condom can shatter the shield of safety you've diligently built. In turn, you break into a cold sweat in the waiting room, you may even moisten your chair. And if you've been foolish, taking risks for reasons too asinine to go into, then you deserve the nervousness. You deserve the sweat.

It only takes one time. One moment for things to go wrong, one to go right. It's not about wanting it enough, it's not about believing. It's about knowing. You gotta know you won't not make it. You gotta be positive you're negative.

I'm negative. I came out of Out of the Closet, my results in hand, green sticker on them. I donated $50 to the testing center, I had a $50 lunch, I went to Borders and bought six books and two DVDs. Money is tight. Υeah. And? So what? I was alive, healthy, lucky.

Things are breaking down all around us: car accidents, cancer, The Crisis. But look close and tell me, really, what wins...

I'm not dead, I'm not sick, I'm not broke.



Get strength from the things you have escaped, rejoice in not being unlucky, worship the chances that haven't passed you by.

You gotta be negative to be positive.