Some things are so surreal even an anthropomorphized beard can't stomach them.
For instance, California "politeness". The way that Los Angelenos just get up in your face about the most random things. At Trader Joe's, the bagger will share his life story and ask for yours. An IHOP waitress will check on you seventeen times, don't you test her on that. And she'll have a gem like "Are you enjoying this fine milkshake, today?" or "How's that juicy burger treating ya?"
Don't get me started on bus stop people!
Actually, you know, what? No. No! I will get started...
Dear Lady Who Sat Next To Me On The 12 Tonight,
First of all, hi. Love the look. The bag with pen stains suggests a creative personality. The hair which looks like a crooked wig though one can see the white roots: Obviously a fantastic two for one deal at the dollar store. And that one single mega-tooth in the front? Brilliant.
I don't have any objections to your deal as a whole. Heck, even our coexistence on the same mode of public transport is no pimple on my ass. But when you chose to sit by me, I gotta ask, did I look friendly? Seeing me there, immersed in reading, how was it that you thought "HEY! LET'S ME STRIKE UP A CONVERSATION WITH THIS HERE HAIRY YOUNGSTER!"
Because, you see, Lady Who Sat Next To Me On The 12 Tonight, that seemed to be your minimum volume. Let's say I didn't mind hearing that you write about vampires at UCLA who drink coffee. Or that I found the recounting of your feature film Big Freeze (where global warming attacks Santa Monica) just riveting. Did I have to hear these fascinating tales WITH YOU DIALED UP TO ELEVEN?!
I realize I may come across as snobby. You obviously didn't think so, since you continued talking to me. But really, for next time, I don't think I ask too much. I didn't make a big deal about having your coffee breath an inch away from my face. Beardnan Fraser didn't raise a fuss, when every drop of spittle that escaped you came closer and closer to his shiny self.
We even sat with you until our stop actually came. No pretending we had to get off earlier! So, I say this, Lady Who Sat Next To Me On The 12 Tonight, in case our paths do cross again. Please take you scary beady eyes and your wet flapping mouth and BACK THE FUCK OFF.
Or, at the very least, dial the crazy down to, like, a five.
All our love,
Beardy & Me.
Songs Stuck:
The Killers - Spaceman
Snow Patrol - Run (Jackife Lee Remix)
Marina and the Diamonds - Hollywood (Acoustic)
Beard Status:
Traumatized.
For instance, California "politeness". The way that Los Angelenos just get up in your face about the most random things. At Trader Joe's, the bagger will share his life story and ask for yours. An IHOP waitress will check on you seventeen times, don't you test her on that. And she'll have a gem like "Are you enjoying this fine milkshake, today?" or "How's that juicy burger treating ya?"
Don't get me started on bus stop people!
Actually, you know, what? No. No! I will get started...
Dear Lady Who Sat Next To Me On The 12 Tonight,
First of all, hi. Love the look. The bag with pen stains suggests a creative personality. The hair which looks like a crooked wig though one can see the white roots: Obviously a fantastic two for one deal at the dollar store. And that one single mega-tooth in the front? Brilliant.
I don't have any objections to your deal as a whole. Heck, even our coexistence on the same mode of public transport is no pimple on my ass. But when you chose to sit by me, I gotta ask, did I look friendly? Seeing me there, immersed in reading, how was it that you thought "HEY! LET'S ME STRIKE UP A CONVERSATION WITH THIS HERE HAIRY YOUNGSTER!"
Because, you see, Lady Who Sat Next To Me On The 12 Tonight, that seemed to be your minimum volume. Let's say I didn't mind hearing that you write about vampires at UCLA who drink coffee. Or that I found the recounting of your feature film Big Freeze (where global warming attacks Santa Monica) just riveting. Did I have to hear these fascinating tales WITH YOU DIALED UP TO ELEVEN?!
I realize I may come across as snobby. You obviously didn't think so, since you continued talking to me. But really, for next time, I don't think I ask too much. I didn't make a big deal about having your coffee breath an inch away from my face. Beardnan Fraser didn't raise a fuss, when every drop of spittle that escaped you came closer and closer to his shiny self.
We even sat with you until our stop actually came. No pretending we had to get off earlier! So, I say this, Lady Who Sat Next To Me On The 12 Tonight, in case our paths do cross again. Please take you scary beady eyes and your wet flapping mouth and BACK THE FUCK OFF.
Or, at the very least, dial the crazy down to, like, a five.
All our love,
Beardy & Me.
Songs Stuck:
The Killers - Spaceman
Snow Patrol - Run (Jackife Lee Remix)
Marina and the Diamonds - Hollywood (Acoustic)
Beard Status:
Traumatized.
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